Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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