I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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