So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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