Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
