I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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