im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
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yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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