I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
