Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize