I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.