Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in