1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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