In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
