the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
