i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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