Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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