I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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