Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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