He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
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she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
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Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.