you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
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It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs