direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
