And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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