Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
