I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
