Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
