I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
