my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your cock deserves a montage
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
