I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
