it's like iHOP with fire
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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