wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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