Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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