he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
