Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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