her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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