I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
