Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
