my phone needs a breathalizer
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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