2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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