You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
