I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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