Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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