I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
