I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
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I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We have started to decorate penises.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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