i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There's always time for handjobs
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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