If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
