Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Who died my cat blue again?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
