Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All the doctor said was why
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
