mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
