I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
