On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
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I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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