Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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