need another drink. this is the easiest way
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize