Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
