Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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