I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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