News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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