Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
