Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
