yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
