Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize