So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
